It has been close to 4.5 years since I last blogged. And I know I have to revive this. For myself.

As I read my profile, I realize how priorities and habits change. How things we once loved are no longer our favourite things to do. Life has changed drastically, and one thing I know - I am happier in life, more content. The best thing that happened to me in these few years, my love for P intensified. I am married, been over 3 years, and I can only be grateful to the Almighty. 

I am writing this quite mindlessly. Not sure why I write about P. I guess, I am still totally in love..!
 

I used to write about us. Our love. Our romance. The time we spent together. Our opinions about people and things. Our perceptions about life. Our expectations and focus.  What I wrote about, always came from the happenings of the time we spent in each others’ company. And then it all came to an end. I suddenly didn’t have enough to write about because I stopped seeing him. He yet is there as an important part of my life. We yet love each other the same, and he yet stands by me as the solid rock I can hold on to and rely upon unquestioningly. But now we both seem to have priorities. WORK, CAREER, SUCCESS. On any other day, I would have wanted him to work very hard at his workplace and attain great success in life. I would have wanted him to do so well in life that makes me all the more proud of being HIS girl. But then I realize that all these accomplishments in life come with a very high price. The price of not seeing each other for months in a row. The price of not talking enough to each other every night. The price that you unknowingly choose to sleep than talk how the day went because you are just left so fatigued after a long day. We never end up doing a cost benefit analysis, so as to say. We just inadvertently jump into this rat race. And then, a few years down the line wonder where all that love died down. The ominous love, for which we once fought our parents and the conventional society. The love that all those fairy tale books say help move mountains. And the love for which once I would have done anything, just to spend a few more moments on his side....

A new season of ‘Sach ka Saamna’ began a few days back. New people, new stories, and more importantly, new confessions. They all seem to be targeted at the contestants’ sexual affairs. ‘M’ tells me he would have gone for the show without any apprehensions. He says there is nothing in his life that he is ashamed of. Nothing that he regrets. He faces all that happened in his life with grace. He says there is nothing in his life that he has hidden from his family and me. Nothing that he needs to confess.



I comprehend closely all that he has to say. Since we started dating, I was always mind-bent on getting full access to all the social networking websites he had subscribed to, and all email-ids he owns. I also put down terms that I could access his phone on any given day, and have also earned the bad reputation of spying on all his female friends. In these slightly over two years of keeping a close eye on him, I can vouch for him. I can be sure that he has so far not hidden anything from me. I know all that he has had faced in his life. There are no secrets about him. But, I DO….


I look at all these contestants and wonder what would have really gone wrong with them that they would come up on this platform and supposedly confess truth, “because I want to rectify everything I have done in the past…” really…? By confessing the truth, are you really rectifying the past..? Yes, maybe you are making good money out of it, but at the cost of losing the trust, faith and love of your spouse and family… You would never rectify the past… In fact you are only devastating the future by confessing something that people around you are unaware of, and happy with otherwise. I somehow totally believe that any lie that keeps someone happy, is just not worth the truth. What seems worse is that you decide to humiliate yourself and your loved ones right before the world. You literally strip them off their self respect and like an animal, rape their self reputation on national television… Think about it... are the winnings really worth it….?

We so often take people for granted. We fail to take cognizance of all efforts they put in to bring that smile on our face. And we so easily fail them…



I too tried to put up this pretence of not having done any wrong. I tried to convince not only him, but my own heart that it was a mere joke. He knows I did wrong. He knows it all. And yet he does not complain. Its time I realize that he will forgive me always. It is also time I put myself in his shoes to really understand if I would have the heart to forgive him in a similar situation. And I know the answer would be in the negative. The next question that pops up in my head then, is do I really deserve someone this good. This too probably answers itself in the negative….

It was in Pune that I met Narayan Murty through my friend Prasanna who is
now the Wipro chief, who was also training in Telco (TataMotors). Most of the books that Prasanna lent me had Murty’s name on them which meant that I had a
preconceived image of the man. Contrary to expectation, Murty was
shy, bespectacled and an introvert. When he invited us for dinner, I was
a bit taken aback as I thought the young man was making a very fast move.
I refused since I was the only girl in the group. But Murty was relentless and we all decided to meet for dinner the next day at 7.30 p.m at Green Fields Hotel on the Main Road, Pune.
The next day I went there at 7o’clock since I had to go to the tailor near the hotel. And what do I see? Mr. Murty waiting in front of the hotel and it was only seven. Till today, Murty maintains that I had mentioned (consciously!) that I would be going to the tailor at 7 so that I could meet him…And I maintain that I did not say any such thing consciously or unconsciously because I did not think of Murty as anything other than a friend at that stage. We have agreed to disagree on this matter.
Soon, we became friends. Our conversations were filled with Murty’s experiences abroad and the books that he has read. My friends insisted that Murty was trying to impress me because he was interested in me. I kept denying it till one fine day, after dinner Murty said, I want to tell you something. I knew this as it. It was coming.

He said, I am 5′4″ tall.

I come from a lower middle class family.
I can never become rich in my life and I can never give you any riches.
You are beautiful, bright, and intelligent and you can get anyone you want.
But will you marry me?

I asked Murty to give me some time for an answer. My father didn’t want me to
marry a wannabe politician (a communist at that) who didn’t have a steady job and wanted to build an orphanage…
When I went to Hubli I told my parents about Murty and his proposal. My mother was positive since Murty was also from Karnataka, seemed intelligent and comes from a good family. But my father asked: What’s his job, his salary, his qualifications etc? Murty was working as a research assistant and was earning less than me. He was willing to go dutch with me on our outings. My parents agreed to meet Murty in Pune on a particular day at 10 a.m sharp. Murty did not turn up. How can I trust a man to take care of my daughter if he cannot keep an appointment? asked my father.

At 12 noon Murty turned up in a bright red shirt! He had gone on work to Bombay, was stuck in a traffic jam on the ghats, so he hired a taxi (though it was very expensive for him) to meet his would-be father-in-law.
Father was unimpressed. My father asked him what he wanted to become in life.
Murty said he wanted to become a politician in the communist party and
wanted to open an orphanage. My father gave his verdict. NO. I don’t want my daughter to marry somebody who wants to become a communist and then open an orphanage when he himself didn’t have money to support his family.
Ironically, today, I have opened many orphanages something, which Murty wanted to do 25 years ago. By this time I realized I had developed a liking towards Murty which could only be termed as love. I wanted to marry Murty because he is an honest man. He proposed to me highlighting the negatives in his life. I promised my father that I will not marry Murty without his blessings though at the same time, I cannot marry anybody else. My father said he would agree if Murty promised to take up a steady job. But Murty refused saying he will not do things in life because somebody wanted him to. So, I was caught between the two most important persons in my life.

The stalemate continued for three years during which our courtship took us to every restaurant and cinema hall in Pune. In those days, Murty was always broke. Moreover, he didn’t earn much to manage. Ironically today, he manages Infosys Technologies Ltd., one of the world’s most reputed companies. He always owed me money. We used to go for dinner and he would say, I don’t have money with me, you pay my share, I will return it to you later. For three years I maintained a book on Murty’s debt to me.. No, he never returned the money and I finally tore it up after my wedding. The amount was a little over Rs 4000. During this interim period Murty quit his job as research assistant and started his own software business. Now, I had to pay his salary too! Towards the late 70s computers were entering India in a big way.
During the fag end of 1977 Murty decided to take up a job as General Manager at Patni Computers in Bombay .. But before he joined the company he wanted to marry me since he was to go on training to the US after joining. My father gave in as he was happy Murty had a decent job, now.

WE WERE MARRIED IN MURTY’S HOUSE IN BANGALORE ON FEBRUARY 10, 1978 WITH ONLY OUR TWO FAMILIES PRESENT. I GOT MY FIRST SILK SARI. THE WEDDING EXPENSES CAME TO ONLY RS 800 (US $17) WITH MURTY AND I PULLING IN RS. 400 EACH.
I went to the US with Murty after marriage. Murty encouraged me to see
America on my own because I loved travelling. I toured America for three months on backpack and had interesting experiences which will remain fresh in my mind forever. Like the time when the New York police took me into custody because they thought I was an Italian trafficking drugs in Harlem. Or the time when I spent the night at the bottom of the Grand Canyon with an old couple. Murty panicked because he couldn’t get a response from my hotel room even at midnight. He thought I was either killed or kidnapped.

IN 1981 MURTY WANTED TO START INFOSYS. HE HAD A VISION AND ZERO
CAPITAL…initially I was very apprehensive about Murty getting into business. We did not have any business background .. Moreover we were living a comfortable life in Bombay with a regular pay check and I didn’t want to rock the boat. But Murty was passionate about creating good quality software. I decided to support him. Typical of Murty, he just had a dream and no money. So I gave him Rs 10,000 which I had saved for a rainy day, without his knowledge and told him, this is all I have. Take it. I give you three years sabbatical leave. I will take care of the financial needs of our house. You go and chase your dreams without any worry. But you have only three years!

Murty and his six colleagues started Infosys in 1981,with enormous interest and hard work. In 1982 I left Telco and moved to Pune with Murty. We bought a small house on loan which also became the Infosys office. I was a clerk-cum-cook-cum-programmer. I also took up a job as Senior Systems Analyst with Walchand group of Industries to support the house. In 1983, Infosys got their first client, MICO, in Bangalore .. Murty moved to Bangalore and stayed with his mother while I went to Hubli to deliver my second child, Rohan. Ten days after my son was born, Murty left for the US on project work. I saw him only after a year, as I was unable to join Murty in the US because my son had infantile eczema, an allergy to vaccinations. So for more than a year I did not step outside our home for fear of my son contracting an infection. It was only after Rohan got all his
vaccinations that I came to Bangalore where we rented a small house in Jayanagar and rented another house as Infosys headquarters. My father presented Murty a scooter to commute. I once again became a cook, programmer, clerk, secretary, office assistant et al. Nandan Nilekani (MD of Infosys) and
his wife Rohini stayed with us. While Rohini babysat my son, I wrote programs for Infosys. There was no car, no phone, and just two kids and a bunch of us working hard, juggling our lives and having fun while Infosys was taking shape. It was not only me but also the wives of other partners too who gave their unstinted support. We all knew that our men were trying to build something good.
It was like a big joint family,taking care and looking out for one another. I still remember Sudha Gopalakrishna looking after my daughter Akshata with all care and love while Kumari Shibulal cooked for all of us. Murty made it very clear that it would either be me or him working at Infosys. Never the two of us together… I was involved with Infosys initially.
Nandan Nilekani suggested I should be on the Board but Murty said he did not want a husband and wife team at Infosys. I was shocked since I had the relevant experience and technical qualifications. He said, Sudha if you want to work with Infosys, I will withdraw, happily. I was pained to know that I will not be involved in the company my husband was building and that I would have to give up a job that I am qualified to do and love doing.
It took me a couple of days to grasp the reason behind Murty’s request.. I realized that to make Infosys a success one had to give one’s 100 percent. One had to be focussed on it alone with no other distractions. If the two of us had to give 100 percent to Infosys then what would happen to our home and our children? One of us had to take care of our home while the other took care of Infosys.
I opted to be a homemaker, after all Infosys was Murty’s dream. It was a big sacrifice but it was one that had to be made. Even today, Murty says, Sudha, I stepped on your career to make mine.
You are responsible for my success.

:-)

I am about to enter a new phase of life... My first baby step to a phase that decides the degree of success I attain, or worse still, the failure that gets stamped on my head...

I really dont know if my decision is correct... Whether I choose the best for myself... I dont know if I will regret this day ever came to my life... And that I was a fool to welcome this day with open arms... I fear the relationship I am leaving behind... Dont know if I will ever get back that love, that I choose to melt away right now, with this new turn in my path...

All I know yet, is that I will have to create a path for myself... I will have to make my own mark and move ahead... precariously, and with immense faith and strength... And yet hold on to that LOVE...! :D

PS : OFFICE CALLING...! And hopefully smart studs too...! ;) ;) ;)
And yet.... I take along my favourite book to office titled PS, I LOVE YOU....!

Sometimes it takes water... to kindle a fire

It poured today... another year gone by... of the fresh soil, n the sweet smelling earth, n the lush beautiful greens around... of a beautiful year of survival...

Was out with friends today... At the terrace of a pub when it started drizzling... We chose to stay... Get wet... Let the first shower sink deep into our skins... Let those little drops lick our hands and then fall down on the earth into anonymity... Let the beautiful smell of the wet earth tingle our nostrils...

It brought in fresh memories... Memories of the passionate kisses we shared in the rains... the wet touch of our bodies and biking over long and endless seeming roads... Wish those days come back soon...

PS : I love u........!! :D :D :D